In the long term marriage, most couples have difficulties on daily life, works, kids, relationships, habits… Is there no love between you? Or the fucking time makes you so tried? Just pay more time and patient to business your marriage. So how to do that? We have 12 suggestions and some tips here.
See the good
This is the best piece of advice I’ve received so far in marriage and it seems way too simple and trivial to actually work, but it does. When you’re going through a rough patch in your marriage and you and your spouse just can’t seem to connect, what you do is (every day) take note of all the things they do that you love. Either mentally or on paper. Think of at least 10 good qualities about your spouse every day. Even if it’s things like “he took the trash out,” and hold back any bitter thoughts like “even though I take it out every other time.” Just focus on the good. Ten things a day. Every time I’ve done this, my heart started to soften and I started seeing him through loving (instead of accusatory) eyes. And once they feel your positive and loving vibes towards them, they’ll also soften.
Figuring out how to fight is key
I was a terrible fighter in the beginning of our marriage. I was a yeller and a door-slammer, and Nate was calm and communicative. Over the years, I’ve learned to be a fair fighter, which often happens over email—my argument platform of choice. It’s here that we can easily air our grievances with well thought out intentions. By the time we’re home from work, it’s been settled—no door slamming necessary.
Having your own hobbies is much needed
Nate and I spend a great deal of time together—mostly because we really enjoy each other’s company and hate being apart for long. But after this many years of marriage, we’ve learned that it’s perfectly okay for me to skip a snoozy baseball game or if my husband has zero interest in a yoga retreat.
Ask and learn what your spouse is dreaming about
Do you know the dreams in your spouse’s heart? When was the last time you talked about what they are thinking and dreaming about? It is amazing to watch how this brings you together and also helps you to know how to more effectively pray for your spouse.
Some years will just suck
There’s loads of unprofessional opinions about the difficult years in marriage: Some say it’s the first; others find the second year is rough, shortly after the first year of marital bliss has worn off. I have a friend who swears that all odd years of marriage are terrible. No matter what, though, one thing’s certain: Some years are just going to suck. In our marriage, it’s usually not the person, but the circumstance. The year that we moved to NYC and had zero friends or family nearby sucked. The year my dad died sucked. But the good news is that once we waded through the hard times, we liked each other more in the end.
Don’t put an expectations on them that you can’t carry yourself
We can sometimes put an expectation or pressure on the other person that we would never want laid on us. Why do we do this?! If you want your spouse to be happy, are you happy? If you want your spouse to be helpful, are you being helpful? Do yourself a favor and be aware of the expectations that you are putting on the other individual and ask yourself if you are willing to carry those same expectations.
Learn how your spouse expresses love and feels loved
There are times that couples miss what the other individual is trying to communicate. This is true when it comes to how we express love and how we feel loved. If you show love by giving kind words to your spouse, but they feel loved when they receive gifts from you, you could totally miss each other. Learn how each other expresses and feels love
Manage your finances together
Most couples have someone who is strong with the details and someone who is really good at spending money. Don’t make the mistake of just laying it on the detail person to make all the financial decisions. This takes partnership. A shared vision and shared goals are vital.
Comfortable silence is golden
Nate has a morning ritual called QCOC: it means quiet cup of coffee; it’s his time to read the news and sports in total silence. I’m a voracious reader who values a book and quiet time. With so much time together, a comfortable silence is a marriage miracle.
You’ll have horrible thoughts
There have been many times that my husband made my blood boil and all I could think were things like “I can’t be with him,” “I must’ve been wrong about the kind of guy he was,” “I wish I could just leave.” Just because you think these thoughts does not mean your marriage is doomed or wasn’t meant to be. It’s normal to get extremely upset and have these kinds of thoughts flash into your mind. Just don’t dwell there.
Always get separate popcorn at the movies
Some people like separate checking accounts; others prefer separate bedrooms. I will share almost anything with Nate except for popcorn. For years, we ordered a giant tub at the movies and would argue over whether to add butter (him) or not (me). For me, getting my own tub to eat at my own pace is the epitome of marriage luxury.
Doing something challenging together can be amazing for your marriage
Nate and I ran our first-ever marathon together after being married for nearly 15 years, and the whole experience was (almost) as exciting as our wedding. We trained together for three months and cheered each other on until the very last step. Over the years, we’ve found that attempting any physical challenge together, like climbing Machu Picchu or jogging a 10K, has been great for our marriage.
Sweet Tips:
Be optimistic about your future together.
Try to see their quirks as endearing instead of annoying.
Learn about the other’s needs for sleep.
Say thank you and be specific.
Remember that you are best friends.
Never intentionally hurt each other.
So to recap:
the hard times bring you closer, you’ll question your marriage at times, your relationship needs watering, forgive constantly, maintain your own interests, you aren’t a mind reader, respect and cherish one another, and always, always look for the good.